27 April 2015

Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Silent Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

"It's like the city has no soul."

This is what a German friend of mine disappointingly wrote to me a few days into staying in Kuala Lumpur. I've always wondered what he meant. Were the city lights not elating enough? Are the people not welcoming? Was there no bustling excitement that, at any given time, a funny fruit would just fall out of nowhere into your unsuspecting open palm? In Manila there's so much life, he tells me. I wondered even more.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Silent Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

Many months later I found myself in a taxi ride wheeling at 100 kilometers an hour approaching this rumored soulless city. It was night time, and as we drove over a wide elevated part of the expressway, KL welcomed me with a wonderful parade of lights. A vast sea of stars from illuminated buildings stretched ahead of me, towered over by the spectacular sight that is the Petronas Towers. I know I haven't seen much, but at that moment I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. My two friends were asleep; the driver fixated silently on the road. I felt like the only person existing. I took it all in. Or it took all of me.

But soon enough the road started descending. Little by little, that sea of stars, that illuminating magic, all but slowly disappeared.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Silent Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Silent Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

The next morning was chaos. The next days were. How different this city was during the day. The city was being difficult, and I was, too. At one point I declared never to return to this place. I was starting to believe what I've been told that, indeed, this city is without a soul.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Silent Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

For the first days of my stay there, these were all I could see. These were all I would believe. But at the back of my mind, still, I remained searching high and low. In the streets. In the markets. In the faces of strangers in deep thought in their commutes. I thought all would be in vain, but I reminded myself that things aren't always that easy. Nor are things always what they seem. Even for places. People, too.

I was lonely, I admit. I wanted to be elsewhere. But I was there, in KL, and as soon as I decided that I wanted to be all there, the city started to change. I did, too. I tried to crack myself for I had learned that in searching, it not our eyes but our hearts that should be kept open. I did, and I was riveted and forever changed once I saw this city pray.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

I'm not the most religious person around, but I know how to utter gratitude in the right moments. And I don't know why, but somehow these places of faith were the first things I wanted to see in KL. In these sacred places, I saw people light their incense and utter prayers, kneeling in front of huge golden statues. Some wrote their prayers in yellow papers, only to set them on fire in the furnace, watching as their hopes turned to ashes.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

I saw men in their dhotis, singing chants and painting colorful kumkum powder onto their foreheads, praying to blue-skinned gods with four arms or an elephant head. Of all the deities I saw, I liked that one most—the god with the elephant head.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

In Sri Mahammariaman Temple in Chinatown, I spent a good while standing in front of this god with a head of an elephant, studying the intricate details of his clothing, his golden headdress, the red painted patterns on his four palms. There was something about him that spoke to me. Deeply. Looking at his seemingly smiling face, I thought about how perhaps I was meant to be right where I was, for he seemed pleased at my presence, too. Thank you, I whispered. Thank you for welcoming me to your home. For allowing me to get to know all these.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

I find faith to be such a fascinating thing. Why do we need it? Is it not enough to just live a good life? Is anybody really listening when we pray? What did those people write on those papers? Why did they have to burn it? What were they searching for? Are they also looking for that soul that's apparently been missing?

I watched them all, trying to reflect on my own faith. I have a lot of questions about a lot of things. Often times I do not know what I believe in, although still I make sure that I remain believing in something. Like the supremacy of kindness. And love. After all, you can never go wrong with either.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz
The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

On my last night in KL, I step inside a reggae bar, and as expected, the entire walls of that wide, dimly lit place was full of vandals. Ridiculous professions of love, travelers' patriotic representations of their countries, cliche "I was here" commemorations. But out of all these thousand vandals scribbled on the walls of that place, despite all the crazy haze of that night, I spotted this:

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

“Amor Vincit Omnia. Love forever. No matter your past or present. Just love and good things will come.”

Amor Vincit Omnia. Love conquers all. Somehow it felt like an affirmation towards the faith I know. A faith towards the universe. Towards the good. A belief that it exists only if you keep yourself open for it.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

At that point though, even after all the things I've seen, I knew that I still have yet found where KL's soul lies. It has been truly elusive. But that vandal on the wall, I realized, was like a glimpse of it. A hint. As if the city was sending a message that the soul I was looking for had been right there all along. Perhaps I've already seen it, but was too preoccupied with my hasty judgments to take notice. Perhaps it was there and I missed it. Perhaps.

And so it leaves me a lesson: Just love and good things will come.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

If I had just truly opened my mind, my heart, then that soul that had been in hiding would have shown itself to me, and I would have found it, glistening somewhere beneath the rubble of this enigmatic city.

KL is not soulless. I know that now. And that you would see, only if you take a look. Who knows. You might find it in the prayers of the faithful, in the fixtures on the shabby buildings, in temples nestled inside famous caves, or in vandals on the walls, like I somehow did. Somehow.

I have yet truly found it, but maybe it is for the best. Maybe I am meant to return. Maybe I shall find it then.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

This is how I've come to realize one of human's biggest flaws: we are so obsessed with the physical. We only like to look at the pretty things, dismissing what is otherwise, often forgetting that what is underneath the surface also counts. That sometimes, it is all that really does. Being aware of this now makes all the big difference. Like I could travel the entire world, even its darkest creases, and I would never run out of beautiful things to see.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

When I got back to my motherland, I did a little research on the Hindu gods. That temple left its mark on me, and I couldn't get that elephant deity off my mind. Ganesha, I learned he is called. Hello, Ganesha, I said. Nice to meet you. I read on, and what I discovered next made me marvel at KL's clever little message in the form of that vandal. The one hinting me of good things to come.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

I read the next few lines and suddenly the all past weeks I spent traveling dawned upon me with such eloquence. The road is life. My life. Some people spend all their lives looking for that missing fragment that holds everything together. The because for all the why's. That comforting assurance that puts you to bed at night. And here I am. Having all of that so suddenly. My years of qualm feels over and infinitely done.

Ganesha, as I read, is sanctified in Hinduism as the supreme being—the god of beginnings. I was staring it right in the face:

A beginning.

The Stillness in Moving Soul, Sonder, and Quiet Beginnings Nicole Villaluz

*This entry was originally written a year ago on April 14th 2014, however never published. Until now.

6 comments:

  1. Your words are beautiful as always, Nicole! I've always been a fan of your words and of course your photographs. :)

    - Joyce | http://www.bitsofjoyce.com/

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  2. Your words are beautiful as always, Nicole! I've always been a fan of your words and of course your photographs. :)

    - Joyce | http://www.bitsofjoyce.com/

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  3. This is so nice! Do you hold photography tutorials for newbies? :D I have never been out of the country and this post makes me want to try it sometime.

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    1. Ah, no. My photography skills are anything but technical, so I don't think I am in the right position to give out tutorials. What I can say though is just shoot it as you feel it. Shoot with your heart, not your mind. That has worked countless times for me. x

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    2. Yey that means there is hope for me then haha. Thanks. :) <3

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